Keeping Up Appearances

I think I may have the least healthy way of treating my entire life.

I have a serious problem with doing everything I possibly can, overloading myself, then having to take a few days off every few weeks to prevent myself from crying in a lecture, or having a breakdown while my friends are over. 

Ever since I was a child, I have been labelled an overachiever. This is fine. I have excelled in many areas, especially academically, and I have always wanted to be one step ahead of my peers. However, this has carried through to my late teenage-hood, and now I don't know how to take a break. From anything.

Being told since such a young age that I am an overachiever, and that great things are expected of me, has somewhat forced me to grow up a lot quicker than a lot of people. In college, being an overachiever took over my life, and I always wanted to be at the top of every class, have friends, be social, do extracurricular activities (and be the best at those too). 

Not only do I expect a lot of myself in terms of academics, but I have also developed, from being the oldest sibling, the need to mother and protect my friends.

I want my friends to feel that I can help them with any problem, and that they can come to my flat for tea whenever they want. I want to be my friends' mum away from their mum, especially with everyone moving away to university and trying to find their feet. I have lived away from home longer than most of my friends, I am financially stable, I don't live in shit student accommodation, and if I may say so myself, I am a banging cook.

 My friends are cordially invited to use my washing machine at their own will, and if they need lending some money- they just have to ask, and I will do my best. 

I try hard at everything, and I try hard to make sure everyone else is looked after. Except myself. 

The last couple of days I have had a little bit of a mental crisis, as I am going through the busiest period of my life. University, seeing friends, completing work, being the Chairman of the Socialist Society, being an active member of the Socialist Party, eating, cleaning, seeing family and doing the weekly Aldi shop are all important tasks in my life, and I don't want to give any of them up. However, I am leaving no time for myself, and I'm not making time for my relationship with Ben. 

I don't want to come to the point where my life comes crashing down because I have been paying too much attention to everything else, and not to the things that are important- like looking after myself. 

The last two or three days have been mostly filled with tears, but I am deciding here and now, that I need to make a change. 

1. No more procrastinating. I love having a tidy flat, and having the washing up done, but I put off doing work by doing housework, rather than just chilling out. Procrastinating makes me too busy to get things done, and also too busy to relax, which sends me into a spiral of despair
2. Allocate time for everything, but also allocate time for me. I am the most organised person I know, and my planner is my best friend. However, I fail to plan time where I can dedicate myself to absolutely nothing, and I fail to plan time for Ben and I to just do nothing
3. Let Ben do things. I am self-admittedly the worst person in the world for doing things that ned doing because I want them done now. Ben can offer to do the washing up in twenty minutes, but I will take time out of my day to do it because I don't want it doing in twenty minutes, I want it doing now. Ben is an adult capable of doing tasks and chores, and doesn't need me to baby him al the time. 
4. Appreciate nature more. Ben and I took my friend Amy to Endlciffe Park the other day, and it made me do some serious reflecting. As I looked around at the autumn leaves and the quietness of the trees, it made me realise that life doesn't always have to be busy. Trees have it right; they do their job, and they look after themselves. They are able to make people happy with their presence, without trying to hard and exhausting themselves. They just exist, and I have a lot of respect for them for this.
5. Learn when to stop. Reorganising my time and priorities is fine, but there will still come times where things are too much. Learning when to take a break, and listening to my mind and body, will be the ultimate goal of mine.

As long as I can stick to these resolutions, I am sure that I will be fine. It's been a rocky few days, and it's going to be a busy few months, but for now, I am going to drink a cup of tea and relax.