I'm Having a Quarter Life Crisis
University is a bit shit.
Don't get me wrong, I love my course, and I love my lectures, my lecturers, and I love learning.
But the experience of uni is a different story.
Since moving away from home last July, I have developed some seriously self-destructive habits, and I am ruining my own life. I know this sounds dramatic, but those who know me personally know that I have had some recent struggles with addiction, and I am taking the initiative now to try to stop it before it develops into something serious.
On that note, my lifestyle overall has become less-than-ideal. I don't have a routine, I'm rushed off my feet, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. This is making my anxiety go from 0-100, and it's not a good look on me.
Self-discipline is something I have always struggled with, and although most people think that I am super organised, this is not the case. I am organised in terms of knowing what I need to do and when I need to do it, but that prospect of actually getting things done is where I struggle.
It's February, and my new year's resolutions were to sort myself out. I did not do this, because I kept making excuses for myself, giving myself one more week, one more day.
Now, I have come to a point where I am shaking myself and asking myself "Why are you a fucking idiot?"
University is strange because it is the first time you are expected to look after yourself for an extended period of time. Especially when you move in with your boyfriend into a studio flat, and are saving to move into a two bedroom house and have a dog before you are twenty.
Sometimes things pile up, and I get worried that I am trying to make myself into an adult before I have experienced anything. This worry is completely unjust, because I have wanted to move out since I was 16, and I know that by the time we have our house and bring Norris the pug to come and live with us, I will be so content and proud of myself. I'm moving into adulthood quickly, but it is what I have always wanted.
My second problem right now is my existential crisis. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I started university thinking that I wanted to do my BA, do my masters straight away, teach for a few years, do my PhD and become a university lecturer. And now? Now I couldn't think of anything worse. But the problem is, I have no idea what I want to do instead. I would still like to do my masters, and maybe even my PhD one day, but I don't think I can physically dedicate the rest of my life to academics. It scares me that for the first time in my life, I don't know what I want to do. I'm sure I'll figure it out in due time, but for now I guess I'm just going to keep working hard.
I'm trying so hard to avoid burnout because I can't stop saying yes to things. I've always believed that you should take every opportunity that comes your way, but now I'm realising that this philosophy is true... until you overload yourself with commitments and plans and don't have the time to dedicate to the things you love. I'm so busy that when I have a day to relax, I can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I've slowly stopped going on the long walks that I love, and experiencing new things, because I just don't have the capacity to do extra things on my days off.
I am working on my ability to say no to things because I want to have more time in my life for long walks, exciting adventures, and seeing the people who are most important to me.
I guess overall I'm just at a turning point. I need to get myself together and stop worrying about every tiny aspect of my future. I can't control some things, and I can control others, so as long as I try my best to get where I'm going, I guess I'll be okay.
I will be okay.
Don't get me wrong, I love my course, and I love my lectures, my lecturers, and I love learning.
But the experience of uni is a different story.
Since moving away from home last July, I have developed some seriously self-destructive habits, and I am ruining my own life. I know this sounds dramatic, but those who know me personally know that I have had some recent struggles with addiction, and I am taking the initiative now to try to stop it before it develops into something serious.
On that note, my lifestyle overall has become less-than-ideal. I don't have a routine, I'm rushed off my feet, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. This is making my anxiety go from 0-100, and it's not a good look on me.
Self-discipline is something I have always struggled with, and although most people think that I am super organised, this is not the case. I am organised in terms of knowing what I need to do and when I need to do it, but that prospect of actually getting things done is where I struggle.
It's February, and my new year's resolutions were to sort myself out. I did not do this, because I kept making excuses for myself, giving myself one more week, one more day.
Now, I have come to a point where I am shaking myself and asking myself "Why are you a fucking idiot?"
University is strange because it is the first time you are expected to look after yourself for an extended period of time. Especially when you move in with your boyfriend into a studio flat, and are saving to move into a two bedroom house and have a dog before you are twenty.
Sometimes things pile up, and I get worried that I am trying to make myself into an adult before I have experienced anything. This worry is completely unjust, because I have wanted to move out since I was 16, and I know that by the time we have our house and bring Norris the pug to come and live with us, I will be so content and proud of myself. I'm moving into adulthood quickly, but it is what I have always wanted.
My second problem right now is my existential crisis. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I started university thinking that I wanted to do my BA, do my masters straight away, teach for a few years, do my PhD and become a university lecturer. And now? Now I couldn't think of anything worse. But the problem is, I have no idea what I want to do instead. I would still like to do my masters, and maybe even my PhD one day, but I don't think I can physically dedicate the rest of my life to academics. It scares me that for the first time in my life, I don't know what I want to do. I'm sure I'll figure it out in due time, but for now I guess I'm just going to keep working hard.
I'm trying so hard to avoid burnout because I can't stop saying yes to things. I've always believed that you should take every opportunity that comes your way, but now I'm realising that this philosophy is true... until you overload yourself with commitments and plans and don't have the time to dedicate to the things you love. I'm so busy that when I have a day to relax, I can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I've slowly stopped going on the long walks that I love, and experiencing new things, because I just don't have the capacity to do extra things on my days off.
I am working on my ability to say no to things because I want to have more time in my life for long walks, exciting adventures, and seeing the people who are most important to me.
I guess overall I'm just at a turning point. I need to get myself together and stop worrying about every tiny aspect of my future. I can't control some things, and I can control others, so as long as I try my best to get where I'm going, I guess I'll be okay.
I will be okay.
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